By: Eric Betts
People-pleasing is an exhausting behavior rooted in the relentless pursuit of approval and validation. It involves constantly worrying about how others perceive you and going to great lengths to accommodate their desires, often at the expense of your own needs. Consider Sally, a hypothetical example of a people-pleaser. She is a compassionate, empathetic, and friendly young woman who grew up doubting herself, never learning to set boundaries. Sally’s life revolves around pleasing family and friends, leaving her disconnected from her own authenticity. She struggles with a troubling question: Is her goodness genuine, or is it a result of her fear of displeasing others? For Sally to find freedom, she must learn an essential truth—she is not responsible for others’ happiness, nor should she live solely to meet their expectations.
Sally’s people-pleasing tendencies stem from a deep-seated addiction to external validation and an intense fear of being disliked. At its core, this behavior is rooted in insecurity—a loss of self-identity and authenticity. Without clear personal boundaries, Sally has left herself vulnerable to the demands and expectations of those around her. She fears asserting her needs and saying no, perpetuating a cycle of self-neglect.
This behavior has dire consequences, particularly in her relationships. People-pleasing often leads to resentment—both toward oneself and others. For Sally, it means saying yes when she desperately wants to say no, allowing partners to take advantage of her emotionally and physically, and prioritizing the desires of coworkers or friends over her own well-being. She often finds herself engaging in activities she dislikes, attending events she’d rather avoid, and even consuming things she doesn’t enjoy. These repeated acts of self-betrayal erode her sense of self, leaving her resentful and lost. Sally recognizes this pattern of behavior as her own doing, yet she struggles to break free. Her “addiction” to external validation traps her in a vicious cycle of pain and dissatisfaction.
At the heart of Sally’s struggle is an internal monologue that constantly asks, “What will they think of me? How will they feel about me?” These questions reinforce her insecurities and perpetuate her self-doubt. But the more helpful questions for Sally to ask would be, “What will I think of myself if I allow this inauthentic behavior? How will I feel about myself after betraying my values?” Unfortunately, these reflections only come to her after the damage is done, further entrenching her in a cycle of regret and self-recrimination.
Breaking free from this cycle requires Sally to embrace the discomfort of being disliked. She must learn to trust herself, set boundaries, and prioritize her own needs. A “factory reset” of her mindset is essential, one that includes self-improvement exercises and professional therapy. People-pleasing is a struggle faced by many, and it often leads to a life of exhaustion, resentment, and unfulfilled potential. The inability to express one’s true feelings or enforce personal boundaries can drain a person of their individuality and happiness.
To avoid this fate, one must break the chains of people-pleasing and reclaim their autonomy. A life lived solely for others is a life lived in vain—a life where the question remains unanswered: Whose life was it, really? The answer, sadly, would be everyone’s but one’s own.
By: Eric Betts, Assistant Professor | Course Developer, Hampton University School of Religion
December 6, 2024
