Continuing our dive into learning to love ourselves, we are going to focus on anger. Have you ever been angry with yourself? The day isn’t going as you planned. You trip over your shoes, you can’t find your car keys, you spill coffee on your clean shirt, your dog has an accident and your socks find it on the floor…all this happens in one morning. That’s enough to make any saint angry.
How do you handle yourself when everything seems to be happening at once? Do you take a deep breath and keep going or do you become angry? There have been many times that I have become so frustrated with myself that I start to completely shut down. The more upset I get, the more things seem to be fighting against me. Many times, this happens when I am running late. I haven’t given myself enough time to get ready. My husband begins to back out of the room when he sees my frustration begin to bubble to the surface. He’s not sure if the heat rollers I’m ripping out of my hair or the bracelet I can’t get latched is going to come soaring his way. He patiently waits for me to come out of the bedroom and tells me how nice I look. He truly is a saint!
In that moment of frustration, I am so angry with myself. Why can’t I get my things together? Why does everything seem so hard? Why can’t I seem to keep everything together like other people? In my anger, I start tearing myself down. Everything I’ve learned about love goes out the window. I am not kind to myself. I start to compare myself to others and this feeling of failure begins to slowly creep in. None of these things come from a place of love or from God. They are definite stumbling blocks.
This week has been a true challenge in my learning to love myself. I made the very difficult decision to close our little booth at a local antique store. These past few months have not been profitable, and I knew it was the right decision, but in my mind I was battling the feeling of failure and defeat. I was so angry with myself that I had not been successful. Even though we had many months of great sales and I had done many custom pieces for clients, I still felt as if I had totally failed. What would other people think when they found out we were closing? I just know they must think that I am no good at what I do. That I am horrible at painting and creating furniture. They will all think that I am a complete failure. My inner dialogue to myself has been horrible. I am so angry that not only I am having to close but also that I have been so horrible to myself.
I am in the process of learning not to be angry and to recognize when I am starting to feel angry with myself. Never before did I think that I had a problem with being angry, but the more I am studying and learning how to love myself the way God intended, I realize that my anger towards myself is not acceptable and will cause so much damage. So, I will allow myself the same grace that I give to others. I will try to be kind and patient, even when I’m running late for church service on Sunday morning and the heat rollers are stuck in my hair.
“Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end.” Proverbs 29:11