By: Joel Allen
Happy New Year! Well, 2022 has been a year to remember for me. I continued blaming the cat for everything, and it worked most of the time except when my hair would be found at the cat-did-it-I-swear site. I am still a “chunky monkey” but we will call me “fluffy” not fat. So, my dear readers, what can my “hoomans” expect of me this year for 2023?! Here is my list:
- Chasing the cat everywhere is still my goal. It seems here lately the cat has figured out that getting on the shelf and knocking things down on top of me is fun. Oh, the look of innocence as he paws an item off the shelf and looks the other way! Grrrr…infuriating! So, this year my plan is to trick my hoomans into placing the furniture where I might be able to reach said cat.
- Stalking the mailman will always be on my list. My hoomans have cut eye holes in my fence for me to see out, and what is cool is how the mailman freaks out when he sees I am watching him, LOL! Before he noticed me watching him, he would look around cautiously for me. My barking always echoed, so he never knew where I might be until he saw my eyes and muzzle through the special place in the fence. I am going to request my hoomans get me a brother from the shelter to assist in watching this mailman dude.
- UPS, FedEx or Amazon delivery guys are still sneaking onto my porch with packages. So, this year, since the window is right next to the walkway, I will jump and make lots of noise and slobber all over the window like I am going to eat them. This all has helped with my weight loss this last year. But this year we are changing tactics because the delivery guys are used to my methods.
- Still helping my hooman with walks are another priority. I have come to the conclusion my hooman has no sense of direction. I spent all year trying to teach him where to go with me, and yet I’m the one still leading us around. He just holds the leash and follows my lead while staring into his phone like a zombie. This last year he has started a disgusting habit though. I was pooping one day and suddenly my hooman walks up to my steaming pile of, not going to say it, but he pulls out this plastic bag and scoops it up! That was disgusting! I gave him the look of “Have you lost your mind?!” So, here we are walking around with a bag of my smelly poop. That just sounds wrong and he has done this ever since! Maybe he has misunderstood me trying to show him a sense of direction. I will have to think on this.
- I will keep chasing squirrels!!!
- I will always terrorize the cat when no one is looking! That resolution will never change.
- Steal the cat’s toys.
- Steal food off the table and leave evidence it was the cat who did it.
- Chase more squirrels!!!
- Ride in the car to town and while in the parking lot sit like an angel until someone gets too close. Then it’s, “Surprise!” and bark with slobber flying to make people run past my vehicle faster and honk the horn if my hooman leaves me too long in the car.
So, there it is, another New Year’s set of resolutions. I hope everyone has a safe and happy new year. Happy new year to all!
PSA: Do not forget that fireworks will upset many dogs. If yours comes up missing due to a freak out and cannot be found, be sure to check the local shelters to see if they were found and turned in. This would and should always be a time to remember to microchip or ID tag your pets.
By: Joel Allen