By: Joel Allen
Dear Doggie Claus,
Here we are, another year and another letter. I love sending you letters every year! I have some requests again, and I have been a good dog no matter what the cat(s) says.
I need you to ignore the “naughty” list that the cat sent…“SNITCH”! You probably heard some things like me chasing the neighbor, the tall tale of me chasing the cats that live with us causing them to hide (they hide well, by the way), the mailman running away when I barked or intercepted the mail he would push through the mail slot on the door, and there were the times that I grieved the UPS and FedEx drivers by causing them to run to the porch and throw the family’s packages. It got so bad this year that they won’t even stop anymore. They just chunk our packages in the driveway as they drive by. In truth, they knew the risks of doing their jobs when they took them on, I just don’t understand. All these accusations are really the cat’s way to stir up trouble for me. No dog would dare tell (I mean lie) on me.
So, in my defense, I only made the neighbor aware that they were too close to the fence. To help with this problem, Doggie Claus, could you bring me a few signs stating, “Beware of Dog,” and it could also say, “Violators Will Be Chased and Chewed On” and “All Items Such As Shoes and Clothing, If Left Behind, Are Mine”?
The allegations that I chase the cats is kind of true. They run and I just want to see which one squeaks the loudest. I mean really, they are so much fun to chase. But in fairness and kindness, could you bring them one of those tall cat towers? The one that has a lot of toys to keep them distracted so I can sneak up on them? Hehehe…I like to practice treeing them too.
As or the mailman, I just don’t know what to say. He wears clothing that screams, “Chase me!” I mean really, who wears shorts year round?! It’s so fun to play “Tug of War” through the mail slot. I am growling and he is fussing at me. We make beautiful noise together, LOL, and the frustration I hear in his voice is such fun. But, to be nice, could you bring the mailman some squeaker toys and dog treats so he can think he is distracting me? After all, I don’t want to scare the guy; I can be a good friend to him.
Lastly, in my defense, those UPS and FedEx drivers just need to stop looking suspicious. I have successfully run off approximately 30 plus delivery attempts this year. Oh, they delivered their cargo, but I made them sweat on all attempts. So, in reference to this I have two requests:
1. A Ring camera to record all my exploits and publish them on YouTube. (After all, my adventures should be shared with the world for laughter.)
2. A driveway alarm to alert me to their arrival and to surprise them. Besides, I can better protect my home if I have good intel.
All in all, my year has been good and I would like to ask you, Doggie Claus, if you would please look out for the homeless hoomans and animals of the world. I wish peace and goodwill to all. God bless and we love you.
Sincerely,
Everybody’s Canine Family Member
By: Joel Allen
December 6, 2024
