By: Detri L. McGhee, CLU, ChFC, B.Min
In our last session, I promised we would look at one way to powerfully and effectively remove criticism’s power to haunt and follow us around. It has worked for me and others, so hopefully you will find it effective.
Throughout the decades of seeking answers for how to effectively, wisely, and profitably handle criticism, there have been many times I failed in my venture. One time, I received hurtful criticism from an unexpected source, and at least half of the problems addressed had nothing to do with me, yet all the fire and daggers were launched only toward me. Realizing I had a real chance to put teeth to my theories of how to successfully survive undeserved, hateful criticism from a supposed friend, I set to work trying to make sense of it all.
First, I scheduled a time to deal with all the facets of this very unpleasant situation. Then I went back to my work, knowing that it WOULD be dealt with, but when I had time to focus and think more clearly. I knew that if I made decisions based on my feelings, thoughts, and emotions of the moment, I would surely regret at least some of the reactions I would have. I CHOSE to ACT – NOT REACT.
I set aside two hours the next day. After working through the C-A-T System, finding things I could use for my improvement, how I could clarify my position and thoughts with those who matter, I came up with a list of things within the criticism that were worthless, hurtful, in error, and made my blood boil as I contemplated how to justify myself and prove to everyone involved that I had been falsely blamed.
Then, it HIT ME! One of the key abilities of emotionally intelligent people (and I wanted to become one!) is that they do not feel the need to vindicate, justify, or explain themselves to everyone in the world. I would apologize where appropriate, explain where it mattered, and forgive others and myself. AND THEN… I would let the rest go, realizing that by seeking to justify or vindicate myself, even more people would know about the situation. Other people would be hurt. Those who know me well will not believe lies. Those who love me will still love me, and no matter how many “proofs” I lay out, those who want to believe lies do not care what the truth really is. So there was nothing to be gained and much to lose by not letting go of the anger, frustration, and desire to vindicate/justify myself.
Still, whenever I thought of the whole situation, the anger and revenge tried to upset me again. HOW? How can I truly rid myself of this response to the situation? Then, I had an idea. Imagination is such a powerful tool! Just like using our imagination to “see” the best way to respond to potential danger/harm can prepare us for those times when they come, so can the imagination beautifully empower us to rid ourselves of negative emotions and actions.
Now, my sweet, brilliant, lovely mom was a bit of a packrat. She saved empty paper towel cores because the VBS workers might need them for craft time. (They make great binoculars.) But I never saw her save an empty toothpaste tube. Never. Worthless clutter. It just so happened I had a nearly empty tube available.
That’s what this worthless criticism was to me. Trash. Clutter. Anger-inducing. Frustrating. So, I should just toss it as trash. Nothing of value to me, except to teach me to Let Go! So, I took my little list of worthless, hurtful, wrong, anger-inducing TRASH and rolled it up in my toothpaste tube, and spoke to it as I threw it away. “You are trash. I am rid of you. You are worthless to me. I never want to think of you again.” I did feel relief. Really!
A few hours later, the whole hurtful incident started replaying in my mind as I thought of yet another way I could get even with those responsible, and vindicate myself. My method didn’t work. WAIT! Yes, I threw those things away. I dealt with them as I should. But they were still near me. So, I bagged up all the trash in the can with the toothpaste tube in it. “YOU are not welcome in my home ever again! Where I was wronged, I forgive them. Where I was wrong, I forgive myself. Where I was misunderstood, I will let my work and character speak for itself. YOU have taken enough of my energy, joy, peace, and thoughts. NO MORE!” And I walked the whole bag of trash to the dumpster outside, tossed it in and said, “Goodbye forever, worthless trash!”
When something triggers negative feelings or thoughts surrounding this, I take a deep breath, sigh a little and think, “Thank goodness THAT is gone.” Yes, it worked. I hope you find your own particular way to let go of things that you cannot change and actively take away from them the power you had relinquished to them – the power to decide how you will ACT to become the person you truly want to be.
By: Detri L. McGhee – CLU, ChFC, B. Min
