By: Detri L. McGhee. CLU, ChFC, B.Min
Being prepared is a great feeling. Whether at work, home, school, play, vacation, or vocation, preparation gives us a sense of control and peace. But, how do you prepare for the unexpected curves life often throws?
Remember the story of the safari photographer? He wanted to get so close to the bull elephant that his pictures showed the tiny hairs on the huge mammoth. Against his guide’s constant warnings, he inched closer and closer until finally the elephant felt threatened and turned to charge. Just as the huge animal reached the photographer, he slung his camera aside, grabbed the huge tusks, and was flung to the ground. However, the tusks prevented the elephant from crushing the man and merely knocked him unconscious. Now, all the elephant wanted was to protect his space. So, he ambled off. As the guide reached the man, he was coming to. “HOW did you know to do that?” the guide asked astonished.
When he could finally speak, the photographer explained: “Because I have been charged by bull elephants a thousand times… in my mind.” Preparation must begin well before the event that requires it. The more important the event, generally the longer the preparation takes. We plan for the “WHAT IFs.” What then?
Back to my pet topics: Criticism Management and EI (Emotional Intelligence). How do we prepare to meet those surprises of life when we don’t know when or how they will come… nor do we know who will bring them, or why? Watch other people. When seeing unpleasant things, ask yourself, “What would be MY best response if that happened to me?”
Think of past problems and decide how to better respond in the future. Examples help. This is a key reason it is so wise to spend time with people with attributes, attitudes, and actions you admire and would like to see in yourself. Hear their stories. Learn from their mistakes and their successes. Then formulate the best reaction for you.
Example: How to respond to a nosy question that you don’t want to answer? Answer with another question. Throw the uncomfortableness back to the intruder. “Why are you asking ME?” “Why do you want to know?” How you deliver the question, the tone you use, the facial expressions, all are determined by who is asking, their relationship to you, and what you think might be their motives. You can be gentle, stunned, caring, or even hyper-critical with your response, using basically the same words. Non-verbal is so strong.
What if you are hit with surprise criticism by your boss in front of your fellow workers? This happened to me once. I merely sat there. I thought about what I should have done, or what I should do next. I decided right then and there that I did the right thing. BUT… should that ever happen again, I would give the same response while in the group, then follow him to his office, close the door behind myself, and ask him, “Do you want my resignation?” What I decided I WILL NOT do is act like him. Neither will I allow him to act that way toward me publicly again without response. If you want to criticize me, do it privately first. If that doesn’t work, then it becomes my fault that I didn’t pay close attention to the problem.
Now, I recognize that everyone cannot afford to quit their job at a moment’s notice. But I had the advantage of sales training where I had previously lived on commission earned, so I knew there would always be something else I could do for income. If that weren’t the case, I would use another approach. Thankfully that never happened again. (A fellow officer said that my facial expression during the criticism said enough. OOPS! I have never had a poker face.)
Divert negativity, seek to understand the real issue/problem, and engage in productive activity designed to solve the problem, or at the very least to understand what the real problem is. A common issue: How do I respond so that I am not letting others control my response and my attitude while at the same time work toward a solution that benefits as many people as possible? We can’t take words back. Apologies are important and valuable, but they do not totally remove the damage done. THINK! Plan. Re-think. Plan again. Imagine. Act vs React. Carry every situation to its logical conclusion, and choose the wisest path for you.
By: Detri L. McGhee – CLU, ChFC, B.Min
Detri would love to hear from you. Send your comebacks to: Email: detrimcghee@gmail.com Facebook: Detri Atkinson McGhee. www.criticismmanagement.com
