By: Detri L McGhee
As promised in earlier visits, we are going to discover ways that we can nullify pain, loss, and ugliness that criticism is famous for, and amplify ways we can use that same situation for our joy, gain, and beautification of our lives. We will gradually get into the details that will bring all of this together, but first we must establish the groundwork. Emotional Intelligence — EI — is the ability to recognize, understand, and properly deal with your own emotions as well as being able to do the same with others. Criticism Management is my term for the EI areas that are specifically addressed here. I believe this incorporates up to 80% of all EI elements.
Criticism management is a term I first used in the mid ‘70s when I started developing this info for my own benefit as a naïve young woman entering a man’s world of life insurance sales. I never saw it in use before that.
The C-A-T outline:
- CATEGORIZE (Facts only)
- Correct or Incorrect
- Deserved or Undeserved
- Solicited or Unsolicited
- From Friend or Foe or Neutral
- ANALYZE (Add emotions)
- Correct or Incorrect
- Deserved or Undeserved
- Solicited or Unsolicited
- From Friend or Foe or Neutral
- TAKE ACTION
- Ignore it (Don’t try this one!)
- Get Angry, Get Even, Get Ulcers
- Wisely take Point by Point and either
- Discard Properly
- Use for Profit
Steps I and II look repetitive, but in Step 1 you deal only with facts. In step 2, you take the facts and add the emotions, responses, results, and all other personal details. So, get paper and pen, and take a look at one of YOUR criticisms: One that was not gladly received. Now, the first step is to CATEGORIZE each part of the criticism. This is the FACT-SEEKING step. Take each part of the criticism and subject it to a-d of Categorize. There are likely several parts to it. For instance, perhaps the first part of the criticism was correct, but then maybe the next part wasn’t, and then you found out some of the rest of your criticism was partially true. Write each part in its own space. Now, deserved or undeserved? Solicited or unsolicited? Then, from friend or foe or neutral? Sometimes this is harder to define than you might think, so list first response, and it is okay if you change it later. Neutral sources of criticism might be a book, a speech, or text meant for everyone that hit you hard and sounded like they were talking directly to you, etc.
Next, ANALYZE: Take each separate point and run it through the same set of questions, but this time, analyze what each choice tells you. Here you will allow your emotions, opinions, and feelings to emerge. Even undeserved or impersonal criticisms can be used to increase your personal EI and bring more profit and personal control into your life. Taking each part of the criticism – both the deserved and undeserved – what can you learn from the facts? What was the nature of the problem? Who was involved? Who did you offend? Who was affected by this? What are the possible solutions to the problems resulting from this issue? Are apologies deserved/required? What lessons can you learn about yourself? About others? How would you want others to respond if the issues were reversed? Ask all the questions you can imagine that you would ask of others if the tables were turned. There is so much more here as we dig deeper – but for now let’s move on. Deserved or undeserved? Did you solicite the response? If so, was that wise? (Lots to learn here, but later.) From friend? Can you detach the criticism from the person and/or the way it was delivered? Was this a deep issue that should have been discussed differently when tensions, emotions, surroundings were different? (LOTS to learn here – more later.)
So now, we need to Take Action: This requires thought and intention. Those who attempt to ignore a criticism usually just push it deep; and then days, months ,or years later at the most inconvenient time, it erupts like a clogged sewer line when the blockage is removed. Sewage spews out, and almost always the mess is extremely nasty. Many people attempt this for too many years, and wonder why they become bitter, grumpy, and difficult to tolerate. They become super judgmental and critical of everyone and everything.
How do you deal with criticism? Next visit, we will go in more depth on wisely handling it. Today, we have time only for this: The unwise, yet all common response is to get angry, think of ways to get even, justify ourselves, make others look even worse, deflect any responsibility from us, blame others, expose their shortcomings, and either give or get ulcers. The wiser choices are coming up next session.
(Hint: Some TAKE ACTION steps are given on my website www.criticismmanagement.com where you will find the complete outline for The C-A-T (system) that tames The Dragon (of criticism).
By: Detri L. McGhee – CLU, ChFC, B.Min
