By: Detri L McGhee, CLU, ChFC, B.Min
At our last visit, I asked you to develop your own definition of criticism. Remember, just like beauty, the true personal vision of criticism is in the eye of the beholder. I promised to give you my definition of criticism and an example of the difference developed CM skills can make. Well, here we go!
My personal applicable working definition for criticism – just for me – is any word, deed or situation that causes a negative immediate response in me, and demands that I think about it and deal with it wisely. My examples of criticism have changed dramatically through the years. What once was hurtful or immediately made me want to justify myself will now often affect me only in that I can look at it objectively and determine if I need to respond openly to it, respond inwardly because of it and/or gain any profit from it, and let it go.
Life is so much less stressful and more pleasant now. My heavy stress experiences are saved for truly important things. And, really, aren’t there truly very few REALLY IMPORTANT things in life?
EQ (emotional quotient) is a measure of your EI (emotional intelligence) like IQ (intelligence quotient) is used to measure your mental intelligence.
A great way to improve your EI and IQ is to look at ordinary events and draw analogies, spiritual/mental analogies from them. Simple example: Yesterday my sister-in-law returned from a few weeks with her daughters and granddaughters. I stopped by to deliver her day-late birthday card and gift. She had literally just gotten home, so as we visited, she put up groceries. Then, she turned on the sink faucet, and it spit out air and a tiny bit of dark water making us both jump a little. Then… nothing. No water. No hot water, no cold water.
Perhaps, like me, you know some people who would have reacted negatively. “Well, isn’t that great! Plumbing problems right off the bat! What a welcome home!” But no! She checked the other house faucets and found the water flowing normally. We checked under the sink and outside to see if anything looked suspicious. All fine. She decided to take off the spout. The water flowed perfectly. Ah! Little problem – quick fix! It turns out that a very tiny bit of sediment had completely blocked the whole flow of the desired and needed blessing of water into her life. Now, if that faucet had remained unusable, her life would have still gone on. Inconvenience until fixed, sure. But no life-threatening events would result.
A tiny bit of dirt had stopped the flow that was important to her life. I wondered, what tiny bit of dirt do I need to clean out to get my energies flowing freely again?
She wisely wasted no time with anger or frustration that would have hindered her finding the solution and may have made our visit tense. Her wise EI level let her solve the problem quickly, easily and with no frustration or anger or pity-party banter. Just a level-headed assessment of a problem, checking possible solutions, and finding the one that works. That’s high EI at work.
What’s that got to do with criticism? Everything. She did not allow herself to criticize a simple situation, turning it into a gripe-fest that upset her or anyone else. She saw the event as what it was: A simple common problem that needed to be solved. So she did. She is a widow. No pity-party around how she has to handle these things alone, or “What a welcome home!” or “Why ME?” Or the equally lame question people ask far too often: “Why does it always happen to ME?”
Had she given into the possible negative responses, it could have even triggered a depression, reviving her senses of loss, loneliness, frustration. It is often the little “straw that breaks the camel’s back.”
What situations in your life do you view as criticisms, negativities, problems, or reasons to send you in an angry or depressed spiral? Really? REALY? Maybe it is time to reassess your reactions and promote them from the status as “criticism” or “anger-worthy” to just everyday life that you need to work on without marring your attitude and the life of those around you. Will you please think about it?
By: Detri L. McGhee – CLU, ChFC, B.Min
Detri would love to hear from you. Email: detrimcghee@gmail.com Facebook: Detri Atkinson McGhee
Free outline for Criticism Management available at www.criticismmanagement.com
