By: Detri L. McGhee. CLU, ChFC, B.Min
Emotional Intelligence (EI) is usually the topic of this column whether totally clear or implied. Sometimes it addresses situations, criticisms, or attitudes that contribute to the growth or demise of EI. A high EI is actually more important in the workplace and in family relationships than a high IQ.
One of the most destructive enemies of EI growth is negativity. “Experts say it takes any where from 5-12 positive interactions to erase the damage from just one negative interaction. They noted that it is more important to get rid of the negative than to experience the positive.
When I was a teenager, one of my teachers said, “You know, Detri… You could be Miss Arkansas if you would just lose 10 pounds.” I think she meant it as a compliment, but I heard, “You know, Detri, you would be kinda cute if you just weren’t so fat.” I realize now that especially back then in the Dark Ages, a girl had to be uber-thin to win that beauty pageant. However, I never really lost the feeling that I might be kind of cute if I just wasn’t so fat.
Negativity is hard to overcome. Even as a “seasoned adult,” I remember how I felt that day. Years later, I found some of my clothes from back then in an old trunk, and I definitely was not fat. But, what I DO know now is that everything comes into our lives for a reason. If I had chased a Miss Arkansas/Miss America crown, many things that made me the me I am now would have likely been far different. What if I had WON? I might be arrogant, snooty, unsympathetic toward all those other poor “ugly people.” Or, what if I LOST? I might have become depressed at my “failure.” I cared a lot more back then about what other people thought. I let their opinion (or even what I imagined their opinions were) determine what I said or tried to do.
For problems or criticisms, working through that process, analyzing The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly; working with what was given to us; and not giving up raises our EI level quite a few points. After one business decision where I should have stood up more forcefully but didn’t, I saw firsthand the cost of compromise or fear. Since then, I quit being afraid of stating my thoughts and opinions. However, I did not lose my understanding that an employee abides by the ultimate decisions of those in authority over them. Another reason I prefer to be self-employed… or retired!
So, how about you? What difficult situation have you been in that you can look back on and learn some very valuable lessons for the future? Have you failed to express your ideas at work for fear they will be unwelcome? What needs changing in your life to make you a better, happier, more productive person? What habit(s) of loved ones make your life harder because you won’t speak up and let them know how you feel? That’s where playing “What if…” can come in handy. “What if I tell her I really don’t like (prefer) chicken spaghetti?” “What if I tell him that his leaving the empty candy wrapper on the counter right beside the trash can, makes me feel like he thinks I am his maid, not equal?” Then decide with yourself how you can share that with them in the kindest and most productive way.
Honesty really is the best policy. But never is it an excuse to hurt or unnecessarily criticize others. Habitually negative, grumpy people often use the old lines, “Well, that’s just the way I am. I just speak my mind” or “I’m just saying what everyone else is thinking and won’t say.” Just know this: that is NOT a mature mind. And, frankly, if your mind is full of hate and needless negativity, garbage, or filth, go out in the desert alone, let it spew out, and kill the cactus. But, you have no right to spread that manure in the presence of others. And someday you will be called out on it — to your stunned amazement — and probably follow up with accusing them of being thin-skinned, or worse. Sadly, you may lose a great friend, or a valuable employee, or close family member. Again, your choice. But you can’t choose the consequences.
Grow your EI skills with grace, positivity, honesty, and kindness. Fewer regrets, greater joy.
By: Detri L. McGhee – CLU, ChFC, B.Min
Detri would love to hear from you. Send your comments to: Email: detrimcghee@gmail.com Facebook: Detri Atkinson McGhee. www.criticismmanagement.com
