By: Detri L. McGhee
Sometimes, the wisest advice we can glean from others is to learn what NOT to do. Mistakes are costly, and profiting from the mistakes of others can bring multitudes of good things our way. So, before we delve into the wisest ways to use criticism for our benefit, let us get some negative, harmful responses out of the way first.
Possibly the #1 worst way to handle to criticism is respond to it ASAP. Until we develop a high level of Emotional Intelligence that enables us to wisely handle criticism, the most common response is to immediately snap back at the critic. Usually that response is preceded by bursts of anger, accusations, name-calling, self-justification, and sometimes even hurling illogical criticisms back at the critic. It is helpful and wise to remember several things about that response: 1. Once spoken, words cannot be undone. Blurt out stupidity or cruelty (deserved or not) and forever those words remain. 2. Even a fool looks wiser when they keep their mouth shut. 3. The first two words of the truth, “I lost my temper!” are “I LOST.”
So before responding, take time to breathe. Count to 10 slowly and think. You are wiser after this process. There is great self-dignity and power in learning to control our temper and our tongue. Sometimes a simple statement of control can diffuse a highly explosive situation.
Consider: The criticism flies at you. Instead of reacting, you take a deep breath, count to 10, and in full control reply: “I am going to take a little while to consider just how I will respond to that.” After all, if the critic is just trying to hurt or derail you, the #1 thing they want is for you to lose control and say or do something that makes you look bad. You do not react. You ACT.
Who can forget the great Nike logo: “JUST DO IT!”? Well, just DON’T do it can be just as powerful. You say you cannot control your temper. I submit that most of you CAN. You just don’t choose to. Just say, “NO!” to your desire to let anger rule, and Just Don’t React Immediately. Abraham Heschel is credited with saying, “… The sense of dignity grows with the ability to say no to oneself.” ACT vs REACT.
Having the proper tools always makes the job easier. If all you have is a hammer, drilling holes is quite difficult. If all you have are scissors, cutting down a tall oak is impossible. If you have no knowledge of the tools that advance growth of EI (Emotional Intelligence) skills, then any success you experience in handling life’s hardships will be gained the hard way or not gained at all.
The #2 worst response to criticism is to try to totally ignore it. The truth is, seldom can we truly ignore hurtful, cutting, or negative remarks. We may not respond…but we are not unaware. This is especially true the closer the critic is to our heart and life. The words are there, in our mind or subconscious forever. And, if we do not wisely handle them, they will accumulate, fester into nasty boils, and spill over – often at the most damaging time. So…Deal With It. And prosper. I believe every criticism ever received has the potential to bring something positive into our life. Yes, I really believe that. How often have we attempted to just ignore, or “live with” negativity (aka criticism) from a person close to us? Then, as the tension builds, some tiny incident becomes the “feather that breaks the camel’s back.” We explode over “nothing” – making us look like complete fools! That is the cost of not being real with those we love. Can you ignore a spider on your arm? Or an elephant in your living room? Or a bear racing toward you? Choosing to ignore criticism means you will never grow into a well-rounded and balanced person as quickly and easily as you could have. Face the problems. Do not fear failure. No one succeeds without much failure. Truly successful people learn from every trial — both their own and by observing the good and poor responses of others.
By: Detri L McGhee – CLU, ChFC, B.Min
