By: Ali Elizabeth Turner
In 1992, I was still adjusting to being a single mom, homeschooling my kids, and working on my master’s degree. To say that I needed help with healthy boundaries was the understatement of a lifetime. And, I don’t think that it was a coincidence that Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend decided to travel the country to give INTENSE weekend-long workshops on the topic of what was then their brand-new book, simply entitled Boundaries. The book continues to be a best-seller three decades later, and I imagine I will be learning its lessons for the rest of my life.
If you are not familiar with it, I will tell you what it is not. It is not a justification for selfishness, a guide to building barriers, or crafting a life that has you living squarely on the throne of your own heart. It demonstrates the fact that Jesus set boundaries all the time, and He was the most unselfish human that has ever or will ever draw breath. When it was time to be done with the Pharisees, He was done, like, “done-done.”
And, when it came to doing something that no one else has ever done, as in dying a gruesome death for us that He didn’t have to do, He was still walking in boundaries. His personal boundary was that the only acceptable invasion of His life was that which had been designed by His Father, and while it included a level of surrender that has never been matched, He said it all when He said, No one takes it (My life) away from Me, but I lay it down voluntarily. I am authorized and have power to lay it down and to give it up, and I am authorized and have power to take it back. This command I have received from My Father. Amplified Version.
This concept differs completely from the belief that He was a victim. Nothing could be further from the truth. He suffered unspeakably, for sure, but there was the most extraordinary purpose wrapped up in that pain, and He focused on the joy that was set before Him. That is essentially the message of Boundaries—to cultivate a relationship with God that is so intimate that you allow or disallow various “invasions” based on the purposes of the Kingdom. Will you make mistakes? You can bet on it. Will you at times be selfish? Yep. But, if you don’t learn how to set healthy boundaries, even with yourself, you’ll get worn down to a nub, and then you are no good to anyone.
Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend skillfully answer the tough questions:
· Can I set limits and still be a loving person?
· What are legitimate boundaries?
· How do I effectively manage my digital life so that it doesn’t control me?
· What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries?
· How do I answer someone who wants my time, love, energy, or money?
· Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries?
They also have updated the book to help people manage life in the digital age when people are screaming to be followed and wondering what’s wrong with us if we don’t “like” their cat video.
If you have never read the book, it’s time. If it’s been awhile, it’s time again, and I will be more than interested in what you think.
June 20, 2025
